


if i could go back and do it again...

by Kellyscams



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Falling In Love, Fluff, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of Death, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:16:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7835284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kellyscams/pseuds/Kellyscams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a bright day after all is said and done, and Damen is still healing, Laurent thinks back on what it meant to fall in love with Damianos -- the man who killed his brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if i could go back and do it again...

A warm wind pushes Laurent’s hair across his face. He doesn’t bother brushing it back. No need. The winds’ll just blow it back there again moments later anyway. The air here is thickly salted as waves roll towards the shore he sits upon. He isn’t very fond of all the sand, even if Damen finds no trouble laying back in it. Napping, it would seem. Loudly, as he tends to do now. 

The wound on his side is healing nicely, but slowly. Yesterday was the first day Paschal said he could get out of bed. Today was the first day Laurent allowed it. Damen took him here. Said he wanted to show him the waters and the shoreline. 

It is beautiful, Laurent can easily admit that. Soft, white sand that gets trapped between the soles of his feet and the Akielon sandals made specially for him. Blue waters that stretch out as far as his eyes can see, kissing the clear skies in the distance. The white, towering castle of Ios gleams in the rays of sunbeams that pour all around it. 

There are three shells next to him. One white, one purple, one blue. All collected by Damen as they walked along the shore. He handed each of them to Laurent with a smile. Laurent tried to scoff, but couldn’t. He found himself smiling back. 

Sunlight catches on the gold cuff around Damen’s wrist. Laurent’s thumb skims over his matching one. No longer does he feel the constant weight of it -- the cool, metallic heaviness that was so much more than just the weight of the slave cuff forced upon his Akielon bedslave. The truce -- weak and shaky between their armies as it was -- came at a price. 

_You should give me the other one_ , he’d said to Damen.

He meant it, too. Laurent had never considered actually wearing it, as Damen said that day, but he had still wanted it. Sentiment. Even then, he wasn’t completely devoid of it. When it was presented to him as Damen’s gift, he had, admittedly, been unprepared. Having one of the gold cuffs that once bound Damen to him, now bounds him to Damen. To the man he loathed with every breath he took and yet, found himself caring for with every beat of his heart. 

It tore him apart. Made him feel inadequate, like night and day. He couldn’t trust his own feelings. Hating Damen had been as easy as breathing. Laurent hated him before he ever met him. The man who took his beloved brother. And then, the man he hated, who he gave every reason to hate back, was there for him. _Always_ there for him. Every time Laurent needed him, Damen was there. An ever present force for him lean on, even if there was no leaning involved. 

Laurent hated him even more for it. For proving just how unlike the monster Laurent imagined him to be. For being the support he never thought he’d have. For making him care. 

He tried to deny it. Deny that he felt anything other than disgust when Damen gently made love to him that night in Ravenel. That he cared whether or not he lived after their truce ended. Laurent’s artful skill for lies and deceit had been honed well enough that even he started to believe them. 

Even when he could no longer _fully_ believe his own lies -- on that fateful night when Damen’s own pain mirrored his and all their shared nights after -- he refused to think he loved him. Not Damianos. No, he could never do that to Auguste. It was an ultimate betrayal. To give himself in body was one thing. For Laurent to give his heart to the man whose blade took his brother’s life was unthinkable. 

Then came that fateful day in Ios. He had done everything in his power to ensure Damen’s victory. Instead of killing the man he swore revenge on -- after humiliating him, whipping him near death, hurting him in every way he could -- Laurent had been willing to face his own death at the hands of his uncle to see Damen win back what was rightfully his.

But Damen had come back for him. He was too stupidly noble not to. There had been a rescuer for Laurent after all. 

His uncle was dead, his kingdom was his, and Damen had gone off in search of his brother. The rightful king of Akielos still had a battle to fight. Laurent had won his. After doing everything within his power to ensure Damen’s victory, he still didn’t have it. 

That’s how he found him, still fighting for his victory. Bleeding on the floor. And Laurent could deny it no longer. 

He loved Damen. 

Loved him with all his heart. Loved his smile and his voice. The way his hair felt under Laurent’s fingers and the way Damen touched him so soft and slow and gently. And most of all, Laurent loved the way Damen tried, with every ounce of his body, to always do the right thing. The cast iron bitch had fallen in love with the man he’d sworn to kill. 

For one, long agonizing moment all Laurent could do was stare, horrorstruck. He was a child again. A child in a medical tent crying over a bloodied body. 

_Not again_.

It was all he could comprehend in that moment. He couldn’t do it again. Wouldn’t survive losing someone else. Not Damen. He couldn’t lose Damen. Laurent had been willing to die for him once already. He would be again, as he locked Damen in place to keep him from interfering and turned to face Kastor. 

Past and present collided that day. A fate Laurent never knew belonged to him. Brother for a brother. Justice served as swift as a falling blade. 

Damen had kissed him afterwards. Pushed his injured body up just so he could do it and Laurent was, for what felt like the first time in years, happy. 

Laurent’s still not sure how to feel, trading the love of a brother for the love of his killer. Even now, sitting on a beach with Damen sleeping at his side. Falling in love with Damen hurts. Like a blade between his ribs, forcing him to choose between him and Auguste. Given the choice, Laurent’s not sure if he’d even remove the blade. If loving Damen, and having Damen love him back, means living his whole life with a sword shoved in his side, then so be it. 

He’s lived with pain for years. At least this pain, comes with Damen. 

“What are you thinking about over there?”

Damen’s voice rises over the roaring crash of waves. Rolling in and out, no matter how far from the shore they get. 

“Nothing,” Laurent answers.

Scoffing, Damen pushes up on his elbows and tucks the hair that the winds still blowing behind Laurent’s ear. 

“I don’t believe that,” he says. Just as Laurent assumed, that hair gets blown in front of his face again. Damen smiles -- Laurent’s heart flutters at the sight -- and tries again. “You’re always thinking something.”

Laurent gives him a long, hard stare before facing the water again. 

“Fine,” he relents. “If you must know, I was remembering how it felt to fall in love with you.” 

When Damen says nothing, Laurent looks back at him. Though Damen’s not looking at him, his eyes are wide as though Laurent has said something shocking. Damen slowly eases up, wincing only slightly. 

“What?” Laurent asks. “What is it?”

“You’ve never--” Damen chuckles. “You love me?”

Laurent rolls his eyes. It dawns on him, though, that he hasn’t said those words to Damen. He hasn’t said anything like that to anyone. 

“I--” 

“I love you, too, Laurent,” Damen says, softly, brushing a gentle kiss upon Laurent’s lip. “I love you.” 

A smile breathes across Laurent’s mouth. Damen loves him. The thought is so wonderfully unbelievable that Laurent finds himself laughing. He rests his head against Damen’s shoulder and Damen wraps an arm around his waist, kissing the top of his head.

“I love you, idiot,” Laurent whispers. 

Maybe the memory of falling in love with Damen hurts. But it’s only a memory now. A wisp of smoke that he can let go of. Not like Auguste, who Laurent can hold onto, forever. This memory can be filled with joyous ones -- with Damen’s smile and touch and love. And the blade in Laurent’s side, might not always have to stay there. 

 

 


End file.
